A Bridal/Groom Shower...Thoughts

Tonight I went to a shower for a friend that is getting married soon.  I and the other guests, after they opened their gifts, took turns imparting a little bit of advice.  When it came to my turn, looking over the past 12-and-a-half years, I took a breath.  I thought about the trials I have faced.  I thought about the insurmountable tragedy I have faced in the last several years, I took a breath, hoping to avoid a sputtering, stuttering start As is my tendency recently and I told the bride and groom, that if I had one truth to impart is that the two of them, as a couple at some point will face adversity.  In my head I told them that if they did not face adversity, they were doing something wrong.  The married people in the room chuckled knowingly and the few unmarried and soon to be married people giggled nervously.  When that adversity meets us, we have the opportunity to face it together or allow it to tear us apart.  Granted, few couples will hopefully have to face the same crisis that Lisette and I suffered, but the details are secondary.  I told this couple, that they will face this adversity and I suggested that when it happens, they take a long hard look at their lives together, use their history together as a means to strengthen and support one another.  The two greatest tools to do this are communication and honesty.  Communication, especially in the thick of tragedy or crisis is the only way you keep from drifting or crashing apart.  In this communication, the couple needs honest, sometime blunt discourse so you get your needs met.  Communicating displeasure is only half of the job.  Letting your partner know your needs and hopes is the only way we have of sharing the same goals for the future.  I am sure that some of these thoughts or points occurred solely in my mind and as I write them down on the page it seems a bit disjointed or of topic.  So to clarify, I will put it in the context of my marriage and my adversity.  When Lisette and I discovered that our three-year-old son had Leukemia, well THAT was adversity.  We didn't have the luxury of stopping long enough to reflect on how we felt about it.  That came later.  We had 13 months of frenzied doctors visits, hospital stays, chemotherapy, lumbar punctures, bone marrow donor drives, fundraisers, solemn speeches from doctors and waiting, interspersed with profuse vomiting and prednisone induced roid rages.  Lots of fun.  It was after the funeral, after we laid the frenzy to rest with Liam that the work began.  After spending so much time on auto pilot, we had put of attending to one another and our marriage for a long time.  It was easy for me to see the reason why so many people that lose a child or suffer such a deep trauma lose their marriages as well.  With us, there was never really a chance of that.  Once I realized that I had a little girl that needed a father, I looked at my wife.  Lisette had just lost her son, as had I, and I made it my mission to save her from the grief of a ruined marriage as well.  We had gone through something unique, together.  There was no one else in the world that loved Liam the way I did other than Lisette.  There was no one in the world, despite the amount that those that loved him experienced their love, that loved Liam as I did except for Lisette.  I drew on our love for one another, on our shared experience.  I drew on that path we had walked together, sometimes shoulder to shoulder, sometimes one of us supporting the other, keeping them from stumbling.  The strength we had exerted to survive that was immense and if there was ever a moment in which I had considered throwing that all away (which there most certainly was NOT) I had to do no more than realize the scope of what we had accomplished together and realize that without her as my partner, I would not have survived this.  Besides, starting over would be WAY TOO MUCH WORK.  I love my wife and I love our life together.  I have spent half of my life with her.  For those that are beginning their adventure together, good luck, hold each other close, keep the lines of communication open and always strive to keep your love's heart and wishes close as you may to your own.