In my dreams...

As a young person I spent a lot of time imagining how things would be were I in charge, were I the adult, making decisions that affected myself and others.  I have discovered in my adulthood of course that a true leader and head of household is less adept at laying down rules and demanding obedience than crafting compromise and ceding the high ground for the sake of consensus.  I don't really know why I thought things would change all that much from my childhood to adulthood as far as how much control I have over my self and my surroundings, it may be optimism that I relied on to see that eventuality or it may be pessimism now that hides my true situation from my eyes.  Whatever the truth of the matter I wonder at times.  I wonder how things might have changed were I to make microscopic shifts in my attitude, my behavior, my goals...or rather if I had goals.
  Yesterday I was over at my brother Gabe's house, helping him put a few last touches on his house before it goes on the market.  He is moving for a new job to the other end of the state, for a while at least.  I was happy to help in my small modest way.  I looked at him and felt love.  I felt sadness at the pain he feels, at the end of a marriage for which he blames mostly himself.  A couple of friends from his program were helping out too and one of the guys looks at me and tells me, "Your brother is an amazing guy."  I know that.  I have four brothers and they are all amazing guys.  In my imagination, we are best friends, like some sort of non-criminal gang, like The Cosby Kids or something.  Don't get me wrong, I love my brothers.  I know they love me too.  We like spending time together, but we are all busy and separated by what feels at times to be an ocean.  For Gabe that was recently true.  We just got him back from Guam and now he's off.  I can't really blame him, I just lament every minute that passes without my family near me.  In the wake of my grief and the cobbled together life that Lisette and I have made for our little broken family, some things have fallen by the way.  Actually most things have fallen by the way.  Whereas I used to just be bad at keeping in touch with family and friends, I have now established a fully functioning hermitage in my home.  I wake up, dress and feed the kids, run out the door, go to work, come home from work, eat, spend a half an hour playing, put the kids to bed and crash.  That is it.  I do not say it like that to imply that there is something I dislike about the situation.  I just realize that there is something else that I miss.  I miss socialization with people with I associate by choice.  My co-workers are great, but they are not my best friends.  I miss making music and sharing it with friends and inviting them to share it with me.  I miss a little recklessness and a lot of great stories most of which take place on the beach or in the ocean.  Most of all I miss that connection with my family that was my identity for so long.  Granted, in my youth, my connection with my siblings, especially the older ones was not always so gratifying.  That was just as much my fault and failing as anything else.  Daniel was always off doing something mysterious and probably shady.  Gabe was off being tough and brooding.  Conor was studying or something and Phil, well, he was probably in some old lady's RV smashing the glass out of her oven door or something I don't know.  The point is that we didn't really unite back then and we were in the same house.  I guess I just thought once we sorted some stuff out that we'd be playing poker every Friday night and having cookouts every other weekend or something.  We have one in Seattle, one in Cali, another with a short while before he goes that way as well, one in the woods and Phil.  Now I love Phil as much as my other brothers and there is not "but" here...however, dude is newly married, with two little rugrats (of the canine persuasion) at home and nailing him down is kind of like getting a hold of Daniel to do something...ever.  I am not complaining, just noting.  Like I said, it is mostly my fault, or at least equal shares.  Who says that biological family needs to be close like that?  I'd like it, but I sure haven't put the effort in there.  There are a lot of things that I'd like but really haven't spent the effort.  So what right to I have to lament the collapse of an institute for which I have failed to fight?  Perhaps it hasn't collapsed.  Perhaps part of the fracture is just my perception.  I have a new perspective on many things these days, a little jaded, a little askew due to the black eyes and bruised heart and all.  I know that when we are together, we do well.  When we grieve, we grieve together.  When we celebrate a wedding or whatever, we are honest in our celebration and our joy at being together.  So, we do not experience, or more precisely, I do not experience my family in my day to day life so much.  Does that diminish their love for me?  Does it diminish my love for them?  I say no.  Perhaps that dream family dynamic I carried around in my head like a worn and faded wallet photo proved to be an illusion, just something that came with the wallet insert.  Perhaps my hours spent alone as a kid, living in a house with seven other people was an omen or strength training.  This should not be read by ANYONE and some sort of indictment of anyone but me as my home is quiet every night after the children are put to bed.  There is no din below as I remember from my childhood, a soft rumble of adult voices, communing, sharing philosophy and gentle laughter and a sweet pungent toke or two.  There is none of that below my feet, though if there was, chances are I'd still be here, sneaking away from "the crowd" to find a little solace in my thoughts, avoiding the anxiety at having to talk to people and pretend things are cool.  There is a lot of pressure (mostly from myself) to be good company, and I fear that I have waned in this gift mainly from lack of use.  I have my tricks of course, the tools I use to get a little breathing room.  I'll walk to the grill, or put the guitar on my lap, or put the glass to my lips.  Anything to avoid talking, to avoid proving I have nothing to say.  So, even if I could wrangle them up, guilt them into spending time together (or something of that nature) what would I do then?  Not that you have us here?  What next?  I don't really know and I don't really care.  The fact is that I love them, I want them and they're mine.  So back off world.  And quit fucking with me.  Okay, you can keep Phil...for a bit...just a bit.