Verse for The Dragonslayer

Liam was diagnosed with ALL, Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia on Friday, May 9^th, 2008. Before the journey we took as a family truly began, in that haze of the first few days in the hospital, our minds swimming with the overwhelming reams of data, I panicked. I wrote down anything that came to mind, usually in verse. Not one of my calculated, metered and true form ballads or sonnets. I was fiercely searching for something, a tether with which to strap myself to that mast of the ship that was circling the drain. I tell you this as a preface, to beg your patience and pardon for the severe lack of polish on these scripts herein. That being said, I would like to share a few lines I wrote within the first two or three days of learning of Liam's leukemia, while we were in the hospital, in the wee hours, waiting for his dangerously high fever to subside:

Panic

5/11/2008

Panic

temperature rising

fraction of a degree

by fraction of a degree

toward the boiling point

his fragile mind bends

buckling below the weight of the Kelvin scale

prayer, meditation, wishes, spells...worthless

time heals all...or not

time is a healer

time is a killer

time is something in precious short demand

soon we'll have all the time we can handle

so simmer down

and stew a while

whilst my life blood fades away

and my little prince slides slowly down the precipice

caught only by the fancy of my heart

No cosmic net

No Jedi force field

No deific buffer

No magical parachute

No justice

bend time for me

split space and atoms

minimize me and inject me into his cells

so I may do battle and face his disease

let cancer feel my sting

let me conquer it for you

We were so certain, initially that Liam's battle was simple, we would complete his treatment and he would be alright. This was of course before his fish test http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fluorescence_in_situ_hybridization after which we learned that Liam's cancer had a rare chromosomal anomaly (hypodiploidi) that greatly reduced his chances of remaining in remission. We had hope and that, in the midst of everything else I was experiencing exhibited as both mania and impatience. Very helpful.

Little Big Man

5/11/2008

My eyes were the first you saw

like Caesar did you issue forth

My little big man with broken blood

You don't know yet what you're worth

You're living proof of your mother's love

And love I've for my wife

When I'm gone and my body's cold

You prove the worth of my life

We chose you, we made you in love

you grow each day, one by one

and now each day brings you closer

to when your treatment is done

Our plans, our dreams are on hold

But I have faith in you Liam

I know we'll make it together boy

And my golden years you'll see them.

Liam was, for those of you who never met him, a brave yet mild child. He was tall and thin and smiled in a way that reassured people. I wanted so madly to do something, to save this child for myself, yes, but mostly for the world. It is tragic when you hear about a child dying, or when you witness death and its aftermath. But when a truly majestic soul is snuffed out, well before its time, that injustice is impossible to reckon.

When we were in the hospital for our extended stays with Liam, Sophia stayed with Lisette's parents. They were great at bringing her by frequently, but even in the beginning, I felt a pang at the prospect of losing the elder child, while at the same time losing the experience of living, breathing and experiencing those precious moments with the junior. When Sophia was born, Liam, only two, called her Fifi.

FiFi

5/11/2008

Little one, Fifi

you are not forgotten

lost in the shuffle

slipped through a crack in our hearts

Your sweet silence

Your sweet smile

Your desire for love and affection apparent

You are not forgotten

Overshadowed by a cancerous cloud

But not blotted out or concealed from our love

The needs of your brother are many

Your needs are many

Balance will be struck

And life is not fair

But I have two hands

One to hold each of you

And as I live and breath

You will be loved and shown love

Little one, Fifi,

You are not forgotten

lost in the shuffle

Slipped through a crack in our hearts

You are loved.

Thank you for indulging me. I have not been able to look through a lot of my writings from the early days. This blog and those that have spoken with me about it have inspired me to try and reconnect with that person I was, the man that wrote these lines. Sometimes he seems like a stranger and at other times, I feel I am still writing them, Liam in the room with me, an IV in his arm, sweat on his brow and the long curly locks still pasted to his forehead. I try not to dwell in that room too much, for fear I will never leave.  Much love and bless you all.